Getting the hang of it

My second week of Slimming World is going well. Really well. I feel like I actually understand what I'm supposed to be eating now (I confess I didn't really read the books last week due to being so busy) and, more importantly, what I'm not supposed to be eating.

Breakfasts have been super healthy. I went to Marks & Spencer on Tuesday and stocked up on loads of yummy strawberries, raspberries and grapes. I've been having those and a chopped up granny smith apple, with a pot of Shape fat free yoghurt on top. It takes me ages to eat so, by the time I'm finished, I'm full! FYI, fruit has never ever filled me up in my life before.

I think the main thing I've come to realise with SW is that I need to change not only what I eat, but the way I eat. I've always been an incredibly fast eater. Gobble, gobble, gobble. Slowing down and taking the time to chew properly means that I'm actually full by the time I finish my meal so I don't go foraging for snacks that I don't really need. Win win situation.

I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since last Friday either so I think that's part of the reason why I'm feeling much less bloated than I did a couple of weeks ago. I'm not saying that I'm going to give up alcohol entirely (mainly because that would be a BIG FAT LIE) but I am cutting back dramatically. I am off to my friend N's tomorrow for drinks and DVDs but I'm going to stick to gin and slimline tonic. I've saved up a fair few syns so far this week so hopefully a few gins won't sabotage my weigh in too much!

Weigh In #1

I'm a little disappointed with my loss this week. As it was my first week I was hoping for around 5 pounds but it wasn't to be. Then again, two meals out and some birthday cake on Sunday were always going to hold me back slightly so maybe I should be extremely happy with 3.5!

I really enjoyed the group meeting last night. I got talking to a couple of ladies and had a few laughs with them, mainly about the number of syns in a pasty. Which is a devastating amount, fyi. My first impression of SW? Everyone is bloody lovely! Noone judges you, even if you've put on weight (as a few people had), everyone congratulates you for even the smallest loss and it's just really really... nice. Which is nice.

Starting Weight: 227 pounds
Current Weight: 223.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 3.5 pounds
Target Weight: 140 pounds

83.5 pounds to go. Eek!

BK, no way

Tonight is my first weigh in.

I'm actually feeling quietly confident. I've been good as gold the last few days and I'm currently tucking into raspberries, strawberries and grapes. I think I'm going to have my dinner after the meeting too, for maximum effect. I'll try not to do what my friend does after every Slimming World meeting as she goes to KFC/the chippy/Pizza Hut as a reward.

Food has always been a reward for me. I've always used it to celebrate something if something great has come my way or console myself it something bad has happened ("I've had such a rubbish day, I deserve that pizza AND those crisps AND that chocolate bar"). That's the main thing that I'm trying to change this time round. I'm an emotional eater and I think tackling the reasons behind my eating will enable me to finally lose the weight I've always wanted to.

Example? I had a really bad day on Sunday. I drove my parents to Liverpool for them to spend the night in a fancy hotel (for my beloved pop's birthday). My ex lives in Liverpool and I had to drive past the end of the road he used to live down. The road that contains the house that contains 18 months worth of ridiculously happy memories. Memories that I can't let go of. After I dropped my parents off I started to cry. I had a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. I cried all the way down the motorway, resolving to go to Burger King to make myself feel better. But when I got to the turn off I needed I drove past. I drove home. And I had a lean steak with peas and two slices of Weight Watchers bread. And no alcohol.

I think that's the first time I've actually denied myself junk food in a situation like that.

I'm really quite proud of myself. Small steps and all that.

Honesty is the best policy

I started this blog to document my weight loss 'journey' (ha, I sound like I'm on X Factor) so I might as well be honest here.

I kind of slipped up a little bit on Thursday and Friday. I had a couple of glasses of wine on Thursday night, plus didn't choose as healthily as I could have done at the restaurant. Friday night was my Dad's birthday celebrations and we went out for a curry. I saved my syns all day so it probably wasn't as naughty as it could have been but I still ate too much of the wrong sorts of things. Plus I had a couple of beers.

However I feel like I've got it all out of my system now and I can't see myself slipping up again any time soon. I was on an all night shift at the charity I volunteer for after the curry and I think I'd have been utterly starving if I hadn't eaten so much. So I'm not allowing myself to feel guilty about it. Besides, I've been super strict with myself since then and have had no syns at all. Fingers crossed I'll have got away with it when weigh in time comes!

You've lost that hungry feeling...

Well, I haven't actually. Not quite. But I am a lot less hungry than I normally am. And, in a perverse sort of way, I'm actually enjoying the slight hunger that I am feeling. It feels like I'm in control of my eating for the first time in months, possibly years.

I'm only on Day 2 but already I feel slimmer. I know that it's probably just psychological and that, in reality, I can't possibly be slimmer after a couple of days. But, for me, the psychological aspect of dieting is the real obstacle. I have to feel like it's working or I give up.

I'll have to face my first real challenge tonight as I'm off out for dinner with my lovely friend N. I've been looking at the menu online and I think there are quite a few things that shouldn't use up too many syns (still hate that word). I'm going to try and stay away from alcohol but if I do end up with a glass of sauvignon blanc in my hand then I'm going to make sure it's just the one, and not beat myself up too much about it.

My problem has always been that I've crumbled after the slightest hiccup. I'd have a biscuit or a piece of cheese and then think 'oh that's it for the day then, it's ruined, i might as well eat myself out of house and home'. This time if I do slip up (and I'm sure I will) I'm going to give myself a kick up the bum and get right back on the wagon.

PMA and all that.

The first day of the rest of my life?

I sure as hell hope so!

I've read the Slimming World book from cover to cover, trying to get my head around 'super free foods', 'free foods', 'healthy extras' and the dreaded 'syns'. Just a small point, why not just call them 'sins'. Changing one letter doesn't make them any better for you or any less naughty! Words spelt differently from their correct form just happen to be one of my pet hates. 'Nite', anyone? Ugh.

Anyway, putting my ISSUES WITH BAD SPELLING aside, I'm feeling pretty positive. Of course, I ate my usual Oat So Simple porridge before realising that it equates to 6.5 syns. Weep. 6.5 precious syns used up on breakfast cereal. Ugh. Still, I've been fairly good apart from that so far. I had some crystalised ginger (4 syns) but everything else I've eaten has been free or super free.

One question though, how on earth can 28g of walnuts be 9.5 syns?!?!

Fat Fighters

Tonight was my first Slimming World meeting. I did it. I walked into the building, paid my money and faced my biggest fear... being weighed in public. And noone laughed. Noone pointed at me for being fat. Noone made me feel two feet tall or ugly or whale-like.

Walking into that room was honestly one of the most frightening things that I've ever done, and I've done some fairly scary things in my time. But the people were lovely. Truly lovely. I almost started crying whilst Kerrie, the meeting leader, was talking. Everything she said resonated with me. Everything she said about how she used to feel (she was over 18 stone when she started) made me realise how unhappy I've really been with my weight for a long time.

I've never written publicly about my weight, about how much I weigh or about how unhappy I truly am with the way I look. I guess that's what this blog's all about, to house all the thoughts I can't bear to put on my other blog.

So, I suppose I might as well start as I mean to go on...

Starting Weight: 227 pounds
Current Weight: 227 pounds
Target Weight: 140 pounds


Let's do this.

Episode 1: The Fatty Strikes Back

I remember the day I realised I was fat. Like, really fat. Not just a couple of pounds overweight. Or even a couple of stone overweight. No, almost six stone overweight. It hit me like a blinding revelation, like a slap to the face. I was fatter than I'd ever realised. I'd been deluding myself for years, convincing myself that I carried myself well, that I was well proportioned, that I couldn't possibly weigh as much as the scales told me I did.

It turns out that I'd become so skilled at these delusions that I didn't even notice the pounds creeping on, the shortness of breath or the steadily growing pile of clothes in the corner of the room that I could no longer fit my ever-expanding thighs into.

The day I realised I was fat was nearly four months ago and what have I achieved in that time? Precisely, predictably nothing. Because that's always been my modus operandi. Burying my head in the sand and telling myself daily that 'I'll start tomorrow'. Well guess what, fatty? Tomorrow never comes.

So today is Day 1.

I'm joining Slimming World tonight. Finally. I've been telling myself (and everyone else) that I'm going to go for weeks. I've used every excuse you can think of to get out of it. Snow, illness, the class being cancelled (it wasn't).

For the first time in my life, I'm out of excuses.