Weigh In #5

GET IN!!!

This week I got my stone award, got Slimmer of the Week and got Slimmer of the Month for February.

I think my group hate me.

I'm not sure what happens at other groups but at mine each week people are supposed to bring in a piece of fruit/something syn free and put it in the basket next to the scales. Then the Slimmer of the Week gets it all.

I cannot keep taking the basket of fruit. I'm scared I'll get lynched on the way out.


Starting Weight: 227 pounds
Current Weight: 213.0 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 2.5 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 14 pounds
Target Weight: 140 pounds

73 pounds to go!

Onwards and upwards...

I've been on a bit of a downer the last few days. I felt bloated and frustrated and (don't tell anyone) I've been weighing myself every day, which is a huge no-no at Slimming World.

What exactly does weighing myself obsessively achieve? Nothing, that's what. Nothing but misery and stress! My weight fluctuates wildly from day to day and I've been working myself up into a panic about stepping on the scales tomorrow night at group. Silly girl.

I think my problem is that SW is just so different to every other diet I've ever tried. I've always counted calories. I've always weighed myself every day. I've always tried to cut out carbs. It's strange that I don't have to do any of these things and sometimes old habits die hard.

One plus point that's come out of the last few days is that I've started running. Yes, running! Me! A few weeks ago I signed up for a 5k Race for Life in June and I thought it was about time I started trying to get in shape for it. I've never been a good runner. Walking I can do. I can walk for miles and miles and miles. But running has always eluded me.

It's something that I really want to do though so I'm starting off slowly and I'm following the Bupa 5k training programme. I'm only in the first week of it so currently I'm running for one minute, followed by two minutes walking. Repeated six times. To be honest though, that's more than hard enough for me at the moment!

Know yourself

One of the things I most love about losing weight this time around (in comparison to other less successful attempts) is that I'm actually in tune with my body. That sounds horribly pretentious and wanky but bear with me.

When I was gorging myself on food I never had the chance to actually listen to my body. I packed her so full of sugar, fat, stodge and junk that she couldn't tell me what she needed. I would eat until I was so full that it actually hurt. I'd have to lie down because I was in so much pain and felt so bloated. Then, once an hour or so had passed, and the bloated feeling had diminshed slightly, I'd carry on with the crisps, cocktail sausages, biscuits and sweets. Then I'd feel terrible again.

The lowest point of my entire life came in May last year. I'd eaten so much and felt so full and bloated and in pain that I made myself sick. I then cried for about two hours and wondered how the hell I'd ended up like that. I vowed there and then that I'd never do it again. But of course I did. I think, however, that was the first moment that I actually realised what I was doing. It was the first time I ever really considered that I might have some sort of eating disorder. Non-purging bullemia? Who knows. I stopped for a while, I told my partner at the time all about it, all about the eating and the sadness and how out of control I felt. It was the first time I'd ever told anybody. That was the same day that he finally admitted he loved me. We then spent the weekend making life plans and talked about how our future would be. I'd never been so happy.

Then, two weeks later, he left me. Without explanation. Without so much as even a backwards glance. He cut me out of his life. I trusted him enough to tell him about my problems with food (a major major thing for me) and then I was left alone, wondering why I'd ever trusted him at all. So of course I did the only thing I knew how. I ate. I binged. I cried. I blamed myself. I gained 28 pounds.

Looking back and writing it down here is actually incredibly painful. I feel so sad that I let myself get like that. It was a sorry state of affairs.

Anyway, the point of this post was that now, because I'm eating healthily and have left my bingeing days behind me (6 weeks and counting), I know what my body wants. I know when to have green tea or fennel tea (amazing for the digestive system and to combat bloating). I know when I need a glass of water and not food. I know when I'm retaining water. I know when my period is about to start (I'd messed my body up so much with food that I never knew if it was hunger pains, pains from being too full or period pains).

I'm actually letting my body speak for the first time in my life.

Weigh In #4

Disappointment central.

1 pound.

1 measly pound after possibly the strictest week on the plan so far. I've not had any alcohol (bar one gin & slimline tonic), I've counted all my syns and am well within the amount allowed, I've been super disciplined.

But bloody mother nature always gets in the way doesn't she.

Yes. It's that time of the month. Or 'star week' as they call it at Slimming World. Which always makes me chuckle.

Ah well, onwards and upwards. A small glimmer of joy is that I still managed to get Slimmer of the Week. Yes, everyone else had an even worse week than me. Hurrah.

Starting Weight: 227 pounds
Current Weight: 215.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 1 pound
Total Weight Loss: 11.5 pounds
Target Weight: 140 pounds

75.5 pounds to go!

The Fear

I have weigh-in fear.

I feel bloated and fat and I'm fairly certain I've not lost any weight this week. It's annoying because I've actually stuck to the plan more this week than any other! I didn't even have my usual night out at the weekend so there was no alcohol at all.

It is, however, that 'time of the month' so I guess I'm just retaining water. Or something.

I'm just worried that this could make me fall off the wagon. I'm only really any good at dieting when I see results. And quickly. I WANT TO BE THIN NOW GODDAMMIT. I'm trying not to project too much and, if I've not lost a lot, then I know it's not the end of the world. I just don't know if my willpower could withstand a maintain or a gain.

Ugh. Cross your fingers for me.

When white bread attacks

White bread is my nemesis.

I don't even like it *that* much but, when I'm trying to lose weight, I crave hot buttered toast, garlic baguettes and ham sandwiches made with thick white bread. The sort of thick white bread that is unbelievably bad for you but that tastes divine.

White bread came back to bite me on the ass today.

For my lunch I bought some hotpot from the sandwich shop next to my office. I know that the hotpot is pretty much syn free so it's my Friday treat. The only problem is the half white baguette that you get included in the price. I should have told the lovely old man behind the counter that I didn't want the bread. I didn't. I should have thrown the bread in the bin when I got back to the office. I didn't. Instead I ate my hotpot and told myself that I wasn't going to eat the bread. I even felt smugly virtuous about it.

Then I ate it.

I know it's not the end of the world. Really I do. I've only had 6 of 7 syns over the last couple of days. But I don't know how many syns were in it, so I don't know how to make allowances for it.

Silly girl.

Weigh In #3

I am so ridiculously happy right now! I was expecting a decent loss this week as I've been really sticking to the plan (save for a fair few syns in the gin and tonics at the weekend) but I wasn't expecting to lose four pounds. I got my half stone sticker AND slimmer of the week! I'm so chuffed and I think I've realised why Slimming World is working for me.... it brings out my competitive nature!! I want to be slimmer of the week, I want to lose more than all the other people at group, I want to see those numbers falling as quickly as I can. The awards for every half stone are just the icing on the cake!

Bring it on.

Starting Weight: 227 pounds
Current Weight: 216.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 4 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 10.5 pounds
Target Weight: 140 pounds

76.5 pounds to go!

How did I get here?

How did I get to be so unhappy with by own body that I could barely stand to look in the mirror?

It's a fairly simple answer really. Heartbreak. And issues of self-loathing that stemmed from having my heart broken.

I've always felt like I've been on the large side. Always carried a few more pounds than I really should have. But I look back at photos of myself as a child and I was skinny! Really skinny! Then the teenage years started and a few pounds crept on that shouldn't have done. But even now, looking back, I looked healthy rather than fat. I wasn't a skinny minnie but I wasn't fat, not by any stretch of the imagination.

Then my first love (or so I thought at the time) dumped me four days before my A-Levels started. I was devastated. 18 and so hurt. But I survived. You always do, don't you?! Then off to University I went. And the real eating began. Takeaway curries, pizzas, chinese most nights. The food in University halls was so horrendous that we just ended up ordering in. And of course there was the booze. Oh, the booze! I lived the student life and enjoyed it far too much, taking every opportunity to eat, drink and be merry.

My second boyfriend broke my heart into pieces when he met someone else and ended it with me. Followed by him and her ringing me up at all hours of the night and calling me awful names down the phone. This was the time that I really started to dislike myself. And the comfort eating began in earnest. I developed an awful habit of going to the supermarket, buying as much junk food as I could eat and then going home and gorging myself. I would eat until my stomach hurt and I could do nothing but lie on my bed. Horrific but true.

Fast forward a few years to now (missing out a fairly major break up in the middle). Or May last year to be precise. I was with C. Love of my life. The man I thought I'd marry. We'd had our ups and downs over the 18 months that we'd been together and my binging habits were still ongoing. I went through phases where I wouldn't do it for months but then I'd have an argument with C and I'd be right back in the pits of junk food hell. It didn't help that I knew he hated my weight. He'd make the odd comment here or there. Occasionally, in the middle of an argument, he'd call me fat or make some other snide remark. A few months into our relationship I was on his computer and I found a log of an old msn conversation he'd had with a friend, a couple of weeks after he'd met me. In it he said I 'wasn't the best looking girl'.

It cut like a knife.

I look back now and that was the moment I really started to hate the way I looked. But, me being me, instead of doing something about it, I sunk lower into my binging hell and pretended I hadn't seen it. But you can't pretend you've not seen something like that. Those words lodged into my brain and ate away at me. They made me think I wasn't good enough for him. They made me think that he was right. That I was fat and unattractive. Why on earth would he fancy me! And because those words ate away and eroded all my confidence, I destroyed our relationship.

I constantly questioned him as to how much he fancied me and whether or not I looked fat in this skirt or that dress. I stopped trusting him (with some good reasons it has to be said, but that's a story for another time) and became obsessed with the fact that he would leave me.

Guess what?

He did.

Twice.

So here I am. Eight months after the last break up and finally doing something about the weight that I've hated for so long. The feelings of self loathing after the break up were so strong that I managed to put on almost two stone. 28 pounds of pure self hatred. It's funny though, in the last few weeks I've suddenly found myself happier than I've been in years. I don't hate myself now. I see who I am and I'm learning to love her.

And you know what? He was a fool to let me go.

Weekend decadence

I'm proud of myself today. Really proud. Probably more proud than I should be but that's just how I roll.

The reason?

I ate out for lunch today and, for the first time ever, I modified my choice to suit my new healthy eating habits. I ordered the rump steak and chose baby new potatoes instead of chips and a nice side salad (instead of grilled tomatoes and mushrooms which I hate). Filling, ridiculously tasty and totally syn free!

Another reason?

I was at a blogger meetup type thing yesterday and completely resisted the tempation of not only crisps and cashew nuts but also pizza and chips! All four are some of my all time favourite foods but not a bite passed my lips. I ate lots of fruit instead and felt very smug. Haha. I did have a few gin and slimline tonics but those were my only syns. Not bad going considering that the weekend has always been a very difficult time for me, weight wise.

I'm feeling totally in the Slimming World zone now and finally feel like I know what I'm doing. Super psyched right now!

Weigh In #2

From the sublime to the ridiculous. Last week I was disappointed with my 3.5 pound loss, this week I'm over the moon with my 3 pound loss! I literally don't understand how I've managed it. After my indiscretions on Saturday and Sunday I didn't even expect to see a loss, let alone 3 pounds!

I was dreading weighing in tonight. I actually felt a little bit sick at the thought of the scales going up. I really shouldn't have worried! However, I refuse to be complacent. I can't get away with what I got away with this week every time. My eating and exercising was spot on for the rest of the week but five days out of seven just isn't good enough. I want seven days out of seven to be perfect at this stage. Once I've lost a couple of stone then I might feel like allowing myself a bit of leeway but not yet. It's only been two weeks after all!

I've only got one thing standing in my way this week and that's a big night out on Saturday night. I'm going to have to try really hard to curb my drinking though as I don't want even the slightest risk of not getting my half stone award next week!

Starting Weight: 227 pounds
Current Weight: 220.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 3 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 6.5 pounds
Target Weight: 140 pounds

80.5 pounds to go!

Cheater cheater pumpkin eater

I'm angry with myself today. Really angry.

I did so well last week. Perfect eating. No alcohol. Went to the gym. Generally felt so good about myself. Then Saturday night comes and I drink so much alcohol and get so drunk. Plus I ate some peanuts. Then yesterday I had a bag of crisps.

I'm so disappointed in myself and am literally dreading weighing in tomorrow now. I always do this to myself. I always sabotage myself with alcohol and junk food. I know it was only a few peanuts and one bag of crisps. The old me would have guzzled far more than that. But I'm still gutted.

I'll just have to hope that perfect Slimming World eating today and tomorrow can remedy what I've done.

Ugh.